the joyful

After reflecting of what I thought of this year and the lessons I would take with me, I looked at the pages of what I had written and realised, that even though it might make a great end of the year post, it would be too much for anyone to read, and overall the greatest value of this reflection was for me only. The writing had many shades and emotions like the year has had, including the ugly and mean, the hurt of the world, and reminding that together with the dark there's always much beauty and goodness in the world.

From all the things I wrote I decided to include only one little slice here today.

When the year started I expressed worry about turning fifty and my youngest becoming eighteen. It was an inevitable passage of time, no way of fighting it. The "Who am I?" question accompanied the process and purposefully working with this question allowed me to dig deeper in discovering myself. During one group exercise, when I had to choose a photo of me, I chose a one with my hair in a bun. The photo that others had chosen of me made me cry, because the woman on the picture did not match my inner self. The photographer said that I like my hair in a bun or pony tail because it gives me a feeling of control. I should let my hair loose more often. It made me pause. The truth in her words poked me. I know that inside me there's fire and energy and colours that I don't necessarily show to the world.  I don't necessarily show it to myself either. 

When the Christmas arrived and we all gathered at my mom's place, my oldest daughter had made herself beautiful curls. On a whim I asked her to give me curls too. She did, and she also curled the hair of her sisters. Wearing a new asymmetrical fuchsia dress (I only own two dresses) and the fresh curls bouncing I felt playful and with the youngest we recorded a short clip. That moment of us together puts a joyful period (or perhaps an exclamation mark) to the year of turning fifty. I hope that I am ready to make the energetic, bold and playful me more visible to the world. 

Wishing you all people around you who let you be who you are are ready to bounce together with you!