Forever an English Language Learner (and a bad singer)

Keeping a blog in English, when I am an Estonian, may seem odd. Yet, there is a perfectly reasonable explanation. Keeping this blog has helped me to improve my writing skills and to connect with educators all over the world. I work as a teacher at an international school where English is the language of instruction. Even though I have studied English for years, spent my junior year at Smith College (making even the Dean's list), can comfortably read both literature and professional development books, passed successfully C2 level proficiency test, I will be an English Language Learner forever, and despite of a good command of English I know I will never fully master it. I listen, speak, watch, read, write, think and breathe in Estonian. Sometimes English words form the way I wish (or almost) and I feel satisfaction or joy or pride. Many times, however, I feel that I am wondering on the streets of language with a map, kind of knowing where I am going, hoping to find magnificent places and sights, only to discover that I am lost and surrounded by boring buildings. When I finally find a palace that promises treasures, the door stays locked. I feel disappointed. Other times when I wish to express my thoughts or describe situations, my message seems so bright in my head, yet when I start speaking or writing in English, the colors fade.

Thinking of my students I am impressed how quickly they have learned English. Some of my ELL students are reading and writing in English so well that I almost forget it's their second language. I wonder whether at first they felt as if they were lost without a map. They all seem to have forgotten they ever had a period when they didn't speak. I wonder whether learning to navigate in a foreign language at earlier age enables them to differentiate more shades and enhance the color of their words more than an adult learner. 

Then again, the disconnect between my vision and result may not be a language issue at all. I have a similar problem when I try to sing - the tunes in my mind and the sounds coming from my mouth bear little resemblance. ;)  

circling thoughts

I have noticed that my writerly thinking and practice is morphed by the circumstances. When I am exhausted, a few small words painfully squeeze to the paper. I frown when I can't catch the unfinished thoughts jumping around as wind-up rabbits. I feel guilty for not revising, letting ideas and possibilities go half explored, underdeveloped. When I am relaxed, words spill out in abundance. It's a pleasure to construct images and splash color. I may forgive myself mistakes and imperfection, nod in satisfaction, even admire some witty phrases. Too much relaxation can take me to another extreme where the brain slows down, thoughts escape and I can't produce a single word. I may yawn and just give up even trying to write. I have not learned yet how not to be pulled and pushed by the outside conditions. I need more experience to be able to look inwards, master my mind, discipline my body to sit down to write and not give up.

For someone with a practical mind all this thought chasing and word catching may seem gibberish. I prefer to think of it as playful exploration.  It doesn't hurt anyone.

The mystery of twitter chat

Two weeks ago I participated in my first #pypchat on Twitter. Today, before the second #pypchat,  I felt more prepared. I had read the questions concerning Professional Development. I had my answers ready, at least some. I knew that I could tweet, reply, retweet or favorite something. I had even figured out that I would have to write A3 or A6 for the answers. Experienced chatters probably chuckle, but no kidding, last time I kept writing Q3 and Q6 when I answered.
When the chat started, I felt it was at right pace, I read what people said, and added my answers. Then suddenly the tweets started scrolling in, different answers, retweets and replies to different people all mixed up, and I had no idea what was going on. I tried to imagine what this kind of chatting would be in real life. A room full of people, one asks a question, people start answering at the same time. You may hear some answers, miss some others, reply to someone, overhear some replies, not knowing what was said before, another question coming, new answers mixed with answers to previous questions, new people enter the room, answering questions, some people leave. A bit scary.
 I certainly want to learn more about Twitter chatting. Right now it still remains a puzzle to me, what exactly is going on. Do these people know each other previously or is the chatting group formed on spot? Should I blog on the topic before I chat or can I just join? When I tweet, am I chatting or am I speaking to myself? Did I do it right? Is there right and wrong?
Even if I do not completely get the chatting idea yet, I could feel the energy and excitement of the #pypchat. Everyone was thinking along and will continue thinking about the questions later. I discovered some people and blogs to follow. Resources are posted on the #pypchat wikispaces. My book list got longer. Ruth's Celebrating Writers was also included in the resource list, because I recommended it. :)

May-be I like to hear my voice

On Tuesdays I write as part of Slice of Life Community, on Saturdays as part of Celebrate community, and on Thursdays I write because I set a goal for myself to write once without linking up anywhere.

What a wonderful feeling it is when the ideas rush to get out and the fingers click on the keyboard joyfully, a smile pasted on my face, and the heart is content. Later, positive comments bring a bit of pride to lift my chin.  The self-confidence and self-esteem grow, self-image becomes prettier, I feel that I know what I am doing, I have a purpose, I have made some excellent points with marvelously chosen words.

Equally familiar is the painful feeling that nothing in my journal or head seems right, noteworthy, sharable. I have said over an over that it is OK not to write when I don't know what to write about. My friends would understand, the world wouldn't notice, consequences wouldn't follow. But I write. I can't explain it. I think part of it is that if I didn't write it would be the first step to break a habit and soon I would give up writing altogether. Part of it is stubbornness, I want to prove that I can do it. Part of it is hope that writing will clear my mind, produce new ideas, change my perspective.

I write because I am selfish.

Participatory culture

After sending my students off to a music lesson, I did a quick check of e-mails and tweets.
I saw a tweet:

My Twitter experience so far:
Joined in November
Connected with few friends
Followed friends, educators and authors
Wasn't sure how Twitter really worked
Retweeted mostly
Linked to my blog few times
Beginning of April I joined my first chat #TeacherPoets

Today's invitation was very tempting. My school is PYP school. Being a PYP teacher I understand that I should be globally connected with educators and classrooms beyond my school walls. I had followed blogs but never truly reached out. I didn't know anyone in this chat, nor had I done my homework.

Sometimes you just have to plunge in.

Questions concerned technology, digital literacy and digital citizenship, innovative use of digital tools.
I was composing my first tweet, when 10 new tweets appeared, 5 more, I felt a bit dizzy. Tweeted. New questions and answers came, all mixed up. So hard to follow. No clue how others do it. Didn't quit. Wrote another tweet. Favorited some. Checked out links.
Then this tweet came:

Huh?

Participatory Culture?
I hadn't even heard of this term before.
What world do I live in?

The chat was filled with questions that definitely deserve more thinking than a quick twitter chat.
I kept reminding myself that small steps matter.
I made my first step to reach out and connect.
I have many questions to think about.
Fascinating. Fascinating. Fascinating.


I checked out the PYP Chat Wiki and found all the questions and resources for today's technology chat.     (These questions give a very good start for a discussion in any school)
A quick Google search gave me an initial idea of participatory culture.

I look forward to the next chat. This time I will do my homework.

I think I am starting to understand Twitter.

Thinking out loud:

Is blogging writing? Are bloggers writers? Bloggers write. Writers blog. Teachers write. Teachers blog. Others read.  Others understand and respond. Isn't that what writers expect? But what if there is no other writing than the blog posts? What if majority of the blog posts are just best first drafts? In blogging there is no critic or editor to point at the flaws or guide to higher quality. When can one call herself/himself a writer? Who decides? Is there a line to cross?

Everyone can learn to write. Everyone should learn to write to engage the reader, whether a family member, a friend or a blog reader. Everyone can learn to write well.  The choice of words is the same for all of us. The writers don't keep their craft a secret. But I believe it takes more than craft lessons and daily writing for someone to become a writer.  Writers have to be courageous to open their hearts to whirlwind of emotions, dig deep in the corners of the human mind, and venture to unexplored territories. They use their imagination to envision possibilities beyond the ordinary, sieve through million ideas to find the unforgettable, and choose just right words with their sharp eyes and musical ears. Writers need patience and time to arrange, rearrange, polish, and revise words to perfection, to write texts that please the soul, captivate the heart, brighten the mind, surprise, mesmerize,  hook us with each following word, trigger tears or laughter, change us. Writers have an irresistible pull to live through written words, existence almost impossible without writing, and they achieve peace only by taming ideas on paper. For some writing is their whole life, their being.

Or is it enough for a person to call oneself a writer? Good or bad or marvelous will be the decision of the readers and critics. Or maybe we have to look at a continuum - the novice, the amateur, the practitioner, the master?

writer  writer writer writer writer Writer

Stating the obvious

You can't change the past.
You don't know for sure what the future will bring.
Worrying doesn't help.
Tomorrow will be a new day.
Each day has 24 hours.

Dream big. Live your dream.

Thinking out loud:

Dream big. Live your dream.

The bit of advice seems encouraging and simple. Is it?
Dream is a shape shifter. It takes the form you imagine. It uses your thoughts as building blocks. It feeds on your desires. What if you have let others dictate what is good for you? Whose dream are you chasing then?
Dreaming big can be scary. The sparkle of a dream, its promising voice, makes a heart flutter and gives wings. When the shiny and powerful sphere of a dream approaches you in a full speed, are you ready to go with it, or are you afraid to get burnt?
Living your dream can be a challenge. From far a dream appears smooth and flawless, up close you may discover wrinkles and spikes. Will you still hold on to the dream?

So what is one to do?
Keep dreaming.
Keep your eyes open.
Keep your heart open.
Take a first step.
Take another.
Embrace mistakes and failure.
Leap if needed.
Trust in the safety net of people around you.

stretched in many areas, no focus, never an expert

Hundreds of slices to read and inspire at Two Writing Teachers blog

No description, just a slice of thoughts:

Meeting people, taking courses, reading books, blogs and magazines, allows to find amazing resources and inspiration to learn and live.
At the same time it can give an annoying feeling of being behind.
Another annoying feeling follows it.
I feel that I am stretched in different directions and therefore lack focus and will never be an expert in anything.

If I had just one major role in my life (a mother or a teacher) I could devote my time to giving my full attention, finding best engaging activities, creating memorable moments, reflecting on situations, being present at all events, to either my daughters or students. Now,  I give time and effort to both, yet constantly feel that there is still so much to do.
If I had just one area to teach (reading, writing, math, science) I could devote my time in learning, exploring,  and perfecting my practice in that area. Now, I know some of everything, but nothing enough to be considered as an expert.
If I were living, thinking, learning, reading, and writing in only one language, I could expand my vocabulary, trim my grammar, polish my expressions, and gain confidence in presenting. Now, I love my mother tongue, but working in an English speaking environment has messed up my grammar, and in English, no matter how much I learn or practice, I will never be able to understand the subtle nuances of the language or express some phrases as beautifully as they sound in Estonian.

Like with the feeling of being behind the question is about perspective.
I ask myself: Would I change my situation if I were granted a wish?
I answer: No.
No.

I may feel stretched, lack specific focus and never become an expert in one area, but all the different areas of my life make me rich.
I am so rich.
My daughters are the best part of my life. Being a mother allows me to understand my students and parents. My students have brought me both smiles and wrinkles, and never ending surprises and learning situations. Being a teacher allows me to observe, understand and support my own children from educational perspective.
Being a third grade teacher in a school that follows IBO PYP programme has helped me to see how attitudes, trans-disciplinary skills, different subject areas,  inquiry based learning, and giving ownership of the learning to students, all together support the growth of the whole child. I look at the big picture, find connections, and weave together the best and essential of different areas.
Having a second language has opened the world to me. Knowing English helped me to live a year in the USA, get a job at a international school, join Literacy Coaching cohort, read volumes of best educational resources and discover fantastic authors and stories, find this amazing writing community. Being an Estonian has allowed me to understand what it feels to be a minority, rely on the strength of my roots, appreciate the beauty of my homeland, look beyond the boarders of my country, feel joy from little things like black bread and picking berries in a forest.

This doesn't make my life better than someone's who has one major role, lives and works in a native language environment, and specializes in one area. They have their richness and strengths, they give their hearts and devote their time to causes where they know they can make a difference and to people who matter to them.

I may never become the shining leader in one area, but I can become the best me possible, always growing and learning, finding balance and joy, gathering inspiration, sharing my experience, being kind to others, laughing, breathing and loving.

Questions with changing answers

Who am I?
What do I need and want?
What do I wish and dream?
What else is in me?
Why write?
How to balance my life?
How to know the difference between reaching for the stars or being silly and chasing a goose?
Is there a point in asking these questions?
Does it matter if I don't know the answers?
What questions should I be asking?

Where do the midnight good thoughts go?

sharing and listening

Have you ever had the feeling of super excitement, almost like flying, heart singing, smile radiating throughout your body?

Depending on who you are, maybe you just polished and finished a beautiful poem, maybe your friend and you went to your favorite band's concert, maybe you just won a set of books with a raffle, maybe you just came back from a oh-so-challenging adventure trail, maybe your proposal was accepted to a conference for the first time, maybe you had a delicious meal in a small old-town cafe, or maybe you had a lesson where your students wrote more than you ever expected with ideas far beyond your imagination.

You can't hold the excitement, you want to share it, you look for an audience, and finally find someone and have a chance to relive your joy through spoken words.

You feel like a star.

Your listener nods.

And then....
And then the listener says, "Good story. It reminds me when I......" and tells a story ten times bigger and brighter than yours.

You feel less excited, back on earth, heart quiet, smile shrinking.

The spotlight is gone.
The magic is gone.
Your story....

I know that sharing stories is important, but sometimes...
Sometimes you should just listen. So should I.

always behind

For a long time I had this annoying feeling that I was behind in my reading and teaching. Reading blogs and newsletters made me feel that everyone had their hands on the best new books and implemented the best practices they had learned from the most popular PD programs, workshops and conferences. The same annoying feeling carried to personal life. I couldn't figure out how others had already discovered the secret of breathe-balance-beauty and I was only beginning to make time for myself and clearing space in my mind.

It wasn't that I had sat around and done nothing. On the contrary. I was constantly learning, reading, and working toward becoming a better teacher, mother, person. I searched for the best resources online; kept close to inspiring people; bought and borrowed books after books; questioned, followed, connected with bloggers; challenged myself to go beyond teaching in classroom and try coaching, writing, and giving workshops.

Yet the feeling of always being behind remained.
People said not to compare to others.
Did I listen? No.

Then one day I had this funny image of a tiny person looking up to these giants who were visible over the mountains and whose words carried over the oceans. The tiny person jumped up and down and waved his hands in a hope to be noticed. He didn't realize that thousand other little people around him were doing the same asynchronous and cacophonous attention seeking ritual. And he had no idea that somewhere even tinier people were looking up to him.

The image changed. The tiny person was moving. He was on a journey with others. His eyes were fixed on the backs of the people in front showing the way. He was unaware that there were people whose eyes were fixed on his back. He was getting tired. He paused. He started noticing the others next to him, just like him, struggling and succeeding, doubting and celebrating, searching and discovering. He reached out and connected. My image became brighter.

The feeling of being behind was still there, but it didn't annoy me so much anymore.
Of course I will always be behind because I have chosen to learn from the best, who have worked hard to become experts. Inspirational thoughts, experiences and achievements of others shine like stars and invite to follow, and of course that may feel like being behind. But it is not a bad thing. Because while I am behind, I am also in front, ahead, beside, among and in the middle. I am on a journey.

what not to do when redesigning a blog

Advice for myself:

1. When you read an article about type fonts, it does not mean that you have to go and change your blog's type font, especially when you don't even understand half or more of the things in the article. People who write these articles know their topic and have design minds and eyes. It is very likely that you were not the intended audience of the article anyway.

2. If you can't resist testing the statements from the article, play with the fonts in a simple word document at first. Maybe you become smarter and maybe you don't need to touch your blog. Look at your blog as it is. You already changed the look of the blog once to make it the way you like it.

3. When you still decide to change the fonts on your blog, do it and close it. Don't mess around with other template options. The fact that your child is playing with her phone, discovering new functions, sharing her excitement, does not mean that you have to go experimenting with your blog.

4. If you can't resist playing with the templates and layouts, create a new blog and try all the options possible.  No one will see, you can stop in the middle and continue on another day. Maybe you become smarter and maybe you don't need to touch your blog.  Remember how much time you spent last time choosing the background, rearranging the gadgets, adding pictures and links.

5. If you can't keep your fingers away from your blog, at least make sure that you have time. Otherwise it may happen that when you change a template, then you can't figure out how to return to the old template, then the layout looks awful, you panic and start deleting gadgets, and by the time you discover how to return to the old layout, the gadgets are gone and you have to go to bed and have no time to put all the deleted things back. Growling does not help.

6. If you decide to ignore all the advice above, live with what you have done. Maybe you will get used to the blog's new looks. If not, follow the advice above and redesign your blog when you have time.

not joining #nerdlution

Twitter and Blog world is buzzing with #nerdlution reflections.
In December the first round of #nerdlution started when some people decided to set daily goals and monitor their progress for 50 days. I didn't join. I knew that with holidays in between I wouldn't be able to implement any new habits. I followed what others did. It was clear that for many it truly was a challenge, and slowly they became rarer and quieter in reporting how things were going. It has been more than fascinating to see how people get ready for the new round.
Chris Lehman
Clare Landrigan and Tammy Mulligan
Julieanne Harmatz
Franki Sibberson 
The biggest learning they are sharing is on the importance of noticing growth, not considering the experience as a failure, adjusting their goals to meet their needs and schedules. The new goals are more personal and diverse. The enthusiasm, excitement, and community support is still strong.

The excitement tempts me to join.
Not joining nerdlution is my decision. I have been reading a lot about habit change. I have experimented with implementing new habits. I have figured that #nerdlution is not for me.
For some people accountability comes from announcing their goals and frequently reporting to others. I wish to try things out by myself, and then celebrate when it feels right.
For some people the community support may be the biggest boost in achieving their goals or sticking to new habits. I find that when many people know about my experiments it adds pressure to perform.
For some people measurable goals and set deadlines frame their progress. I would prefer to experiment with little changes in daily or weekly routines and see where it takes me.

One of my latest experiments is writing on Thursdays. I want to try whether I can keep it going even when I don't link or tweet my text and don't get comments. I want to see how my writing grows and changes when I keep writing. I hope to gain experience in expressing and supporting my opinion.

To keep this new habit I have to spot the loopholes.

perspectives

Get inspired.

Learn something new every day.

Stretch yourself out of your usual area of interest.

Following these guidelines I have hopped from one web link to another, discovering interesting people and communities. I even signed up for a fascinating newsletter 99U Insights on Making Ideas Happen.

Knowledgeable, creative, successful people write what they know, learn, think, do and recommend.

Like a teacher in a bookstore, I got excited and wanted more and more. Everything seemed so shiny and right and inspirational. I especially liked the articles that fit into my world view. I gobbled everything without much critical thinking or considering different perspectives.

With times things have changed a bit. 

First, I started to read the comments below the articles. So instead of nodding all the time, something I am excellent at, I was forced to look at other perspectives. 

For example, I read an article "7 Things Star Wars Taught Me about Productivity" by James Altucher.

The lessons seemed reasonable and positive. Then I went to the comment section and several people pointed out the flaws in thinking and inaccuracies in the movie references. I was forced to adjust what I thought about the article. I realized that I can't judge the writer's inferences based on the movie, because  I can't remember the movies. Initially I had agreed with the key points of the article. Now I wondered about the value of them. Weighing this way and that I made up my mind. Since the article was not a scientific dissertation, it wasn't important for me how well the movie was interpreted. If the author has learned these seven lessons and follows them and is happy, then these are valuable lessons and worth sharing with others.

Second, I purposefully look for articles that would challenge my thinking. 

This week the following title caught my attention: Stop Saying "Do What You Love. Love What You Do." It Devalues Actual Work. I love that phrase. I have it even written in my notebook. And here is Miya Tokumitsu (PD) saying that the phrase has a negative effect on majority of working people. The long article, filled with references, was worth the time. Since this piece of writing came without comments, I can't simply choose perspectives. I would imagine that in many cases the inspirational phrase does not have such weight and underlying intentions as highlighted in the text.  I see it as a reminder for people not to get lost in the work but to devote time to things that matter to them. The examples in the text make me think how easy it is for the successful people to say what others should do, forgetting that their success was based on a web of multiple factors not merely following a set of advice. Reading the article forced me to admit that I sometimes get too self-absorbed to notice the other realities. I wonder how I would react to this phrase if I didn't have a job I am passionate about or wasn't surrounded by people who support me.
I need to read this article one more time to ensure I understand it. 

It would be so easy to do just school work. There is plenty of reading waiting for me. Yet, it's important for me to choose to spend some of my time reading other than educational materials. I stretch, learn and get inspired.  This kind of opportunity is a privilege. 

I hope to become more critical when reading, and remember to think of different perspectives more often  than I do now. 

3 useful tips - difficult to follow

My perspective. My problem. Everyone is allowed to have a different opinion.

1. Get up early.
Even though "early" isn't an exact term, I have understood that it refers to getting up before six o'clock. In the past farmers had to get up before the dawn to milk the cows. Some jobs start before majority of people open their eyes. Old people simply seem to loose their sleep in the middle of the night.  Not much choice for these people. To get up early because you want to (for productive, meditative or creative reasons) can't be a simple task. Night is meant for sleeping. Plenty of sleep is necessary for health and beauty. Bed is a warm, cozy, pleasurable place. What kind of willpower can overrun all that? I get up at 5:35. A bit of morning exercise; washing, brushing, combing; simple breakfast; a cup of tea - I get up so I wouldn't have to rush out of the door. I follow this tip, but I would rather hug my pillow until nine o'clock.

2. Balance your time.
I love this advice. It's one that I actually can follow - when I have holidays. I loved the last week of winter holidays, when my kids went to school already and I had more days at home. Perfect. I was able to fit in everything I needed or wanted to do. Now I am back to school (with a dictated schedule) and it feels like there are too many unavoidable must-get-dones (that still don't always get done) that the wish-to-dos (even when they are modest) do not fit in the day. Drive to work: school: drive back home -  fills majority of my day. I love being a teacher, but that's not all my life. Work time is followed by cooking-time, mom-daughter-time, talk-to-hubby-time, call-my-sister-time, get-ready-for-tomorrow-time, clean-the-mess-before going-to-bed-time. It would be lovely to read books, write, exercise, learn, read blogs, go for a walk, write blog posts, drink tea, socialize, draw, dance, plan, dream, reflect, watch movies. I either stretch these out over the week or do tiny bit every day. I follow this tip, but I would rather have free-choice all the time.


2. Write. Write. Write.
You should have a regular writing routine. Bottom on the chair. Free write. 500 hundred words a day.  Great advice. One I truly wish and try to follow. I carry my journal with me, I write with my students, I blog at least twice a week. Not with ease. I believe to every 10 minutes of writing there is 100 (or  more) minutes of staring at the blank page, making lists, or writing random words and phrases. Combining the frozen mind with two previous tips and this one becomes the hardest of all.

No, I correct, the hardest tip is this one: "Don't dream and plan, complain or find excuses. Just get started."

digital mask

A week ago I wrote "Blogging. Why?"
Then the "Sunshine Award" circulated in different forms on the web and I found a post where the task was called "homework" and the purpose of it was: To give readers a look behind the digital masks that writers show outwardly to the world.
The participants in the "homework" keep professional educational blogs. They hardly ever reveal personal information besides some significant events in their lives. Readers don't see "slice of life" showing their every day life with dreams and worries. The difference about digital and real life appearances is clear. Digital mask makes sense in this context. What about me?
I strive for honesty in all areas of my life - at work, at home and with friends. Yet, I don't behave exactly the same way everywhere. Nor do I always say everything I feel or think. Filters are in between. Does it mean that I always wear a mask?
I started this blog hiding behind a different name and a kid drawing. After some time I felt accepted to the writing community and I revealed my name and added a photo. Did I take off a mask?
When I write on my blog I write personal things, but not everything; I write honestly, but not with the first emotional reaction; I choose what to write about my life, but think what others might like. Is that my digital mask - filtering - presenting myself to be better than I am? Isn't this exactly what I said about my everyday "me"?
In some ways I am probably more "me" when I write, because I get to say everything I wish without being interrupted. My words are interpreted with positive intentions and I have less fear of judgement. The pressure  (duty and responsibility, reaching goals and meeting expectations) is off.
Yet, most people who read my blog can't hear how I chuckle or sneeze or how my voice changes when I get excited or upset nor see how I walk, use my hands or shake my head or turn red with embarrassment. Can I be "me" without my physical body and instant reactions?
Add the article I read about online identity and virtual afterlife and the whole thing gets even more confusing.
So confusing that I let the whole topic rest for the time being, decide to continue blogging, and accept that the connections I have made through blogging feel very real.

Blogging. Why?

"What's the purpose of your blog?"

This question kept popping up in different places and wrote it in my journal. I didn't know how to answer it.
I have noticed blogs with a focus and a purpose. Some people record what goes on in their life and share it with family and friends. Some have become an expert in one area (art, style, cooking, decluttering, reading, teaching, etc) and educate others. Some keep it to promote their business.

What's the purpose of my blog? Why do I keep it?
I am not sure. Third year of writing, 303 posts and I am not sure what is the driving force behind my blog.

I know that I started it as an experiment to learn more about the process and craft of writing. (curiosity?)
I know that I like getting comments from the SOL and celebrate community. (vanity?)
I know that writing helps me to process thoughts, feelings and experiences. (sanity?)

I have not figured out how blogging fits into writing something more substantial. (Then again, I haven't figured out if I want to write something more substantial and what the something would be.)
I have not figured out who am I writing for. (If I am writing just for myself, why do it publicly? If I am writing for others, am I considering their interests?)
I have not figured out should I share this blog with other people besides blogging community. (Most of my readers, no, all my readers except my sister, are people whom I have met through TWT Slice of Life or Ruth's Celebrate link up. There is safety in it. I am afraid that people whom I meet in person might be harder judges on my writing and personality than people in a supportive writing community)

Maybe I should change the format of my blog and write only lists. (I am really good with lists.)
Maybe I should think less and write more? (It is good just  to go with the flow and what comes out.)
Maybe I should think more and be more selective with my content? (There is some danger in thinking too much, it may lead to silly ideas and ramblings.)

What's the purpose of my blog? I don't know
If I don't know the answer, why blog?
Why not?

I don't plan to answer the last question. I could probably come up with a solid list of reasons to quit blogging. But I don't want to. I think that I can blog even if I don't have a clear purpose or a goal or a message.

Maybe if I keep blogging and occasionally stop to reflect, I will finally figure out answers to my questions. Or not.


Some earlier reflections:

April 9, 2013 (after SOLSC)

February 26, 2013 (joining SOLSC for a third time)

October 31, 2012 (why I keep coming back)

March 3, 2012 (hiding behind a name)

October 18, 2011 (my writing life)