the day before turning fifty

Today is the last day when I am 49. I have done ten minutes of stretching and five minutes of mindfulness, washed my hair and scrubbed the bathroom, read the news and tidied the coffee table, watched the clouds race in the sky and trees fight with the wind, now I am on the always welcoming sofa, typing on my faithful laptop.

At the start of this year, when I struggled with the change of turning fifty, I played with an idea to do something special every month and write some thought through posts about the change of age, celebrating things I have done, and share lessons learned. I did some of it - bought myself a beautiful book about women over fifty, went for a photo shoot without make-up, joined a writing course and the March SOLSC challenge. I have written posts and poetry, I wrote "50 things I am proud of" and "50 good things in life" lists, I have made plans for the future and have imagined myself as an old woman, I have been to theatre and art exhibitions, spent time in the company of magnificent people, listened to the ones wiser than me and played with the ones younger than me. 

I had also planned that closer to my birthday I would buy a new blouse, get a full make-up and a new photoshoot, and take a staycation in a hotel, and then throw a party with fancy food and a band to my friends and family like my mom did when she turned fifty. These plans deflated and I am relieved. I read from "These Precious Days" an essay how Anne Patchett went a whole year without shopping and since I dislike shopping anyway, it was easy to discard the new blouse plan. The photo shoot idea went on a shelf because it takes too much organising and I didn't have the time nor energy for it. I wasn't too keen on the big fancy party idea either, it felt wrong considering the world situation and not my style at all. I opted for a lunch in a small restaurant only with my family, parents and sis with her family. My hair is washed already, I'll put on eyeshadow and mascara, and nobody is required to wear a tie. And better than fancy food and band is the fact that both my parents are still alive and healthy and can join my celebration. My grandparents were long gone when my parents reached fifty. 

The closer the birthday gets, the more relaxed I have become. I have sat with the sadness of the passing time and things that would never be again, and I have turned this into appreciation of the past. I have reminded myself of the uselessness spending my energy on things I can't change, turning this into acceptance of what is. I am looking into the future. Next week already I will attend a poetry reading, a dinner with friends after school and a dinner with my writing course group on Friday evening. I have two coaching course modules this spring. Two friends have sent me invitations to events this summer. My proposal has been accepted for the European Literacy conference in Dublin, so I need to book things for July. 

Another thing that has helped me is the way others see me. During a leadership course the workshop leader asked to choose cards that would best represent our current state. I shared how I struggle with the approaching birthday, and that with age I have become calmer when storms are around and find my calm quicker when the storms are inside me, and that even though I am starting to look like an old wise woman, inside I also have a young fairy who is playful, and I continue nurturing that side of me. We later did an exercise and had to share what thoughts crossed our mind when we watched our partner in silence. The man who did the exercise with me said that based on what I had said about the cards, he suddenly remembered a song from an Estonian Comedy show, an entrance tune for a humorous middle-aged woman with wild hats and clothes and wild stories about her experiences in life. Even thought I am far from the character in the show, I found his randomly arrived association to be somehow liberating, and I laughed out loud. 

So here I go, celebrating my birthday with my family today. 

Tomorrow I will be fifty. Tomorrow I'll write another post. 

All posts on turning fifty.