Last night, sitting on my bed, pillows popped up behind my back, not quite ready for sleep yet, just a few words to jot down in the journal, my pen suddenly stopped working. I tried the vigorous back and forth movement on the side of the journal that sometimes helps with getting the pen working again, but no help of it this time. I looked at the pen in my hand, the unfinished sentence, and the almost to the last line full journal, and a strange feeling started forming in my chest. A tiny cloud like grey sadness hovered above my heart. The default position to brush aside the feeling wanted to kick in -seriously, there was no meaningful reason to be sad. It was no big deal, the pen was the most ordinary dull pen, the unfinished sentence didn't bear much weight, filling a journal was a cause for a celebration not sadness, but there it was - the soft, almost invisible feeling, and I let it be. I examined it and realised that it wasn't the pen nor the journal that had created it and it wasn't sadness but rather the feeling of soft sorrow for with closing of the journal I also closed the small chapter of the winter break, a most wonderful self-care week, something I wished I could stay in for longer, and yet I had to accept the passing of time.
Terje, I can relate to your post, and I understand the sadness. Those are precious words, and even though a new journal begins with new words, it's hard to close the book sometimes, especially if it has been a daily friend for awhile. I like to get stickers wherever I go and put them on my journal, kind of like a bumper sticker on a car, so this also makes the transition hard.
ReplyDeleteYour post took such an unexpected turn as you (and I ) realized the relaxing vacation and the finishing of a journal were at the root of your "strange feeling in your chest." I hope it's an easy return today.
ReplyDeleteI love the beauty through which you captured parting with the pen and the notebook. It made me a little sad as well because I have definitely been there.
ReplyDeleteSometimes we are on the go so much that we don't notice these feelings. The pen running out caused you to pause and notice a feeling you might have overlooked. I love this slice- it is a great reminder of why we are doing this. Thank you for sharing this reflection and these moments of "soft sorrow."
ReplyDeleteTerje, "and yet I had to accept the passing of time". That is a truth that I sometimes don't want to hear. Your title is great - your time off prepared you for another segment of school. "to be"
ReplyDeleteI like how you just let the feeling be. It's so healthy to feel what's happening, instead of trying to outrun our feelings. The passing of time is especially challenging when you're leaving a place of self-care. Hugs as you head back to school.
ReplyDeleteSuch wisdom here, and such a light touch with noticing and reflecting on a moment of unexpected sadness. That little moment of sadness makes so much sense when leaving a place of self-care.
ReplyDeleteIt is like one chapter is closing and a new one beginning. Time keeps moving. It is a shame that we can't stop it at times.
ReplyDeleteSo beautifully written. I like your listening to and observing those small emotions. I have often felt a bit sad when finishing a journal. So much goes into each one. It is indeed like closing a chapter on this period of time. Hopefully you are able to hold on to this relax feeling as you head back into work.
ReplyDeleteYou perfectly slowed down a small moment in time and took us on a journey through your thoughts. I hope getting back to work was a happy occasion...I know how it feels to mourn the holiday once it's passed.
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