looking for the best version of myself

A quote Ruth Ayres shared on Facebook.

"Right now I’m nine years old and I believe people should have the opportunity to learn about who they are. "

My fourth grade student goes on explaining how knowing herself and doing what she likes makes her happy, and how she is continuously changing and therefore continues learning about herself. I wish I had known this when I was nine years old. My student's personal essay sends a similar message as Glennon Doyle's Untamed - live the truest version of yourself. It hooks perfectly with the quote above.

My friend and I had a conversation about how we grew up defining ourselves by what others said we were, listening to others about what was right and wrong, and doing our best to meet the expectations of others. It was better to be invisible, quiet and hidden, because if you were noticed it was probably because you had done or said something wrong. Now, being about half a century old, we are still trying to shed the good girl core and figure out who we are.  We are still discovering and searching and building ourselves.

I think for me this comes from growing up in Soviet Union not from my parents. There were families where the parents were demanding and it was a lot about pleasing the parents. I don't remember demands from my parents. They have always been kind and caring. I think I am a product of a soviet system and my fears and understandings came from school. Some of my friends had parents who were rebels and taught their children to think differently. My parents came form a countryside, being the first in their family going to the university, and they wanted to fit in and to build a good life. It was best done quietly and diligently, by following the rules. I wasn't unhappy, just not knowing myself very well, nor thinking for myself.

I am happy now too. I am lucky that many things in my life are in place as I wish. I know I have found a job that is the right one for me and I do well. I am happy that my husband and I have continued growing closer, and that we have raised three daughters together. My home is warm and cosy with shelves filled with books. I don't need a life shattering, throw everything old overboard, become a completely new person kind of a change. Yet the question is still there - who am I when I am not a teacher, a wife, a mother.

Searching for the best version of me I have discovered mindfulness, writing and coaching. Yet I do not dare to go around sharing this bravely with the world, except for my blog, where the readers are mostly on the other side of the ocean and are unlikely to happen to show up on my workplace or home town. The fear of judgement overruns the need to be seen. After hearing comments like "So they sit on the floor and hum" or "Coaching is another air-selling profession" or "Everybody thinks they can write. Too many texts there already" I prefer to keep quiet. It's better to continue sharing the image of a practical, down to earth, sensible woman. Looking at the journals I have filled, the morning pages or evening rants I have written, even I find myself questioning my sanity. The fear of being seen silly, not in a light, mischievous and humorous way, but in an unintelligent foolish way, is lodged strongly inside me.

During a writing course we had to write about ourselves as a character in our stories. I wrote about myself as a fairy. Another woman turned herself into a pirate. A third one chose to be a queen. She boldly said, "Why should I be any less than a queen in my own story?" Was my choice of fairy adding to my story of being invisible? How can I change my story? How can I use my new story to change me and my life?  What kind of a hero do I wish to be in my life story? How to be brave and visible? What would the best version of me look like? 

This is what I am thinking on Friday morning, having slept until 9:30 because I could, because I am on holidays. I drank a cup of green tea, ate toast with orange-pumpkin-rose pepper-jam, and plopped a salty caramel handmade chocolate candy into my mouth. The rainy greyness outside does not bother me a bit. I don't have to go outside unless I choose to. Today I am a queen, sitting on a swing, feeling young, free and happy.