why I need to let go of the mess in my daughter's room

Not completely convinced that it is healthy to watch webinars on Saturdays, I still sit on my sofa with laptop open. It is probably much healthier to live a screen and work free weekend, yet I can't help when an ad pop ups announcing a speech from a famous Estonian educational psychologist.

The specialist speaks of self-determination theory. She peaks of motivation, of autonomy, competence and relatedness. All of it makes sense as I think of school. I feel good that we seem to be on a very good path with our school. 

My attention drifts off a bit, until I hear, "...and I am not asking her to clean up her room. Not anymore."

What? The specialist has challenges with getting her teenager to clean her room? The specialist hasn't succeeded? The specialist gives up? 

As long as I remember, my mom has cleaned the home at least twice a week, and we had to make sure our room was organised: clothes in the closet, bed made and floors empty. A clean room was a sign of politeness and neatness, and it was the right thing to do. 

When I first visited US and saw a dorm room floor with a pile of clothes, pizza boxes and school books, I was shocked. Seeing jeans and bras mixing with greasy cardboard and sticky candy wrappers and books ( books of all things!) was a horrid experience. Unfathomable how someone could be so messy. My mom would have fainted, no doubt. 

With my first two daughters, I thought I managed pretty well as a mother, making sure they cleaned their room. It was easier with one than the other, but overall, most of the time the floors were empty. With the third one I feel like a complete failure. Neither soft nor hard approach yield any results. There are moments when the room looks as I think it should look but most of the time it resembles the nightmare dorm room. Deep inside I feel it's all my fault. I feel shame. If people knew what the room looked like, they would surely judge.

So listening to a specialist struggling with the same thing puzzles me. And her decision to let go puzzles me even more. She says that because the young person has no interest nor need for the clean room, the only way to achieve what the adult wants would be through power or prizes, and this goes against what we know about how we should support the development and learning, and help the children to grow independence. She says she has made the decision not to interfere. 

Strangely this is a second time this week that I hear that as a parent I shouldn't expect/require/demand a clean room from a teenager. My head doesn't know how to handle the contradiction. My heart knows that if I can let go of my needs it would probably contribute to a better relationship with my daughter. I have no idea whether I have the patience and tolerance, but perhaps if the mess doesn't crawl out of the room or start growing new life forms, I will give it a try.  I have to trust that I have done what I can and when she grows everything is going to be ok.