Smile back to the sun.
Greet the first yellow butterfly.
Breathe.
I try and try,
But all I want to do is cry.
What was said on Friday morning can never be taken back.
The words were dark, heavy and accusing.
Not a grain of positive.
Not a grain of hope.
My guards were down.
It hit me right in the heart.
Let it go. Let it go. Let it go.
Spread the yoga toes.
Count to five and breathe in.
Count to ten and breathe out.
It's not helping.
The scariest of what if-s has seized me.
What if she was right?
What I have done is not enough, not enough, not enough.
Counting my blessings.
Counting my successes.
I am who I am.
I still want to cry.
Even chocolate doesn't help.
Where is the lesson in it?
What is the solution?
I must do something.
I will figure this out.
And stop crying.
The sun is warm.
Dear Terje, whatever it was, perhaps you can tell yourself this is one person saying those words, not all the rest of the world. I'm so sorry you had something that is eating at you like this. I'm hoping your day today has been better & the sun continued to shine. I know it's late afternoon now, best wishes for a bright Monday too!
ReplyDeleteYou are doing all the right things, breathing, trying, writing. The "what if's" of life are puzzling, but don't let it consume you, this chapter is short and there are many other wonderful chapters to read. Monday starts a new one!
ReplyDeleteI had just this kind of moment right before my spring break. I feel your pain. I didn't believe it would at the time, but it feels better over time. I spent some time over my spring break gathering evidence (for myself) that I am doing enough. That I am making progress. I needed to see it, hear it, feel it for myself after letting so much negativity get to me. I wish I had thought to spread my yoga toes (love that line) like you did :) Know that what you are doing matters, you matter. . . and do what it takes to make your heart hear that message. I wish I knew you well enough to point out all the specific wonderful things you should be proud of that overshadow whatever this one little nagging doubt is. But at least I know you well enough to know those wonderful things exist.
ReplyDeleteI read this post on Sunday, the day I was dreading my return to work after spring break. And I have been thinking about you, wanting to get back to this, all week. I hope you have found that new perspective, that deep peace, that will allow you to move forward.
ReplyDelete