Changing by doing

Therapists suggest that when you feel down you should smile and this act in itself will put you on a path of feeling better. Through the change of outside you can achieve the change inside. My life has provided me examples that support this claim.

At one point in my teaching career I was faced with a choice to either loose a job or accept a fifth and sixth grade math and science teacher's position. Math? I did not like math. I did not always understand math. I had no desire to teach math. I did not voice any of that to the director. Instead I read and learned. I prepared myself as well as I could and when the school year started I entered the classroom acting as if math was the most wonderful subject in the world.

After three years I had a chance to return to primary grades. Because of my experience I was able to suggest resources to other teachers, and explain different concepts.

One day someone said, "You are the math teaching guru here. You clearly love it so much." It was the oddest compliment ever. But I guess it was true in some sense. I had discovered the beauty of math and overcome some fears.

In high school I had many very active classmates who participated in everything, organized events, volunteered for duties, performed and presented in public. I was fine in the role of the follower. I had no desire to do what they did.

In the university and and later in my job, life rolled some occasions on my way that forced me to do these things. Of course I was scared each time but I prepared myself as well as I could. Whether it was reading all the information before going to committee meetings, writing detailed notes and a time frame for a presentation, or collecting resources and planning activities during organizing a theme week. Because I was prepared I spoke when necessary.

One day someone said, "You are so bold, out-spoken, experienced and active. " It was true in some sense. I am still shy and wish someone else was in charge but if necessary I can be the leader or volunteer for committees or give a thank you speech or give a presentation.

I have never considered myself an organized person. I have never managed to keep a pocket calendar or a planning journal throughout a year. I quite often feel overwhelmed by what has to get done. I fear the amounts of paper that surrounds me. With all sorts of deadlines looming I feel surrounded by chaos most of the school year.

I have read what others do and peeked into other classrooms to get ideas for organization. I have tried every possible tool for organizing papers. I use multiple ways to remind myself what has to get done. Post-it notes and e-mails to myself seem to work the best.

"You are well-organized. This is clearly your strength," a colleague commented during a peer-evaluation session. I still don't consider myself an organized person, but then again I am not going to argue if someone gives me a compliment.

It has been too short of a time to say that I have been through a similar metamorphosis with writing. Slowly, slowly some changes happen. All my life I could divide people into writers and then non-writers. The first had an abundance of ideas that they couldn't keep inside and had to write in their journals. They either walked around and hummed a hymn to the world or then locked themselves in a room and poured the agony of life on a paper. Others preferred to avoid writing but did it when they had to. I was part of the second group.

Having to teach writing I had to understand it better. I read about writing and read about writers. Then I joined the Slice of Life challenge last year. I continued writing on Tuesdays. I experimented with ways to collect ideas, ways to structure my texts, played with words, collected inspiration from other writers, and filled my journals with words.

It was an odd sensation when I started getting compliments in the comments, and people called me a writer. I still need more time to convince myself in that. At the same time I know that the pool of ideas is open to everyone, writing amplifies joy and helps to erase frustration. I am not afraid to write. The change continues.