“It’s end of a school year. It’s been a tough year. I am
exhausted. I am a woman. I am entitled to cry if I want to.”
I found myself swimming in the sea of self-pity.
I kept myself afloat with the help of chocolate and thank you cards from my former
students. Oh, how gloomy the world looked.
“I am a failure. The MAP scores and student work point at me
that I failed as a teacher. The cranky teachers and no progress with curriculum
prove that I failed as a leader. I
can’t cook, I can’t write, I can’t manage my time. I am a failure.”
The brain made every attempt to keep me calm.
“You did your best. You actually did very well considering
that the circumstances were not in your favor. Some years are better than
others, some worse.”
But through the gushing tears and whining heart the reasonable
thoughts were barely audible.
“I am a failure. And I have no one to talk to. A – Some have it worse than I. It would
be cruel to complain. B – For some
life is good, why ruin it with my misery.
C- Some are just too busy to listen.”
Having control over my legs, my brain sent me out of the
door.
Walking should have helped. The warm weather should have
helped. The blooming nature should have helped. It didn’t.
“I am a failure. Everyone else has exciting lives. My life
is boring. And they accomplish so much. I have nothing to post on Facebook. And they are noticed and
valued. I feel forgotten and invisible. And they are happy all the time.”
I heard my brain mumbling, “You don’t know for sure what
others feel. You are living a good life.“ I ignored that and marched back home.
In its feeble attempt to help me, my brain coerced my
fingers to search for some inspirational sites on the computer. Tiny Buddha.
Simple wisdom to complex lives.
4 powerful questions to free you from fear. 8 ways to
discover your passion. 10 things to be thankful for. 6 ways to live
authentically. 3 pigs and 7
dwarfs. The last wasn’t there, but it kind of fit the pattern.
I have to admit my brain had succeeded in distracting me. It
was getting boring to feel sorry for myself. My brain started humming, “Summer,
summer, summer,” and my heart danced along merrily.
I had report cards to write.
I wondered what Christy was doing. She hadn’t sliced for
weeks.
You painted the picture of self-pity very well. I am inspired to get up and over it and move on.
ReplyDeleteyep...it was that kind of year...the writing kept me working towards joy...that and this wonderful master's class that I got to teach xo
ReplyDeleteYou know that you will be okay when you recognize that your self pity is getting boring!
ReplyDeleteYour ending gave my heart hope. It is a hard when it's a hard year...it is hard to keep plugging away. It is hard to feel a mash of emotions we don't want to feel. But our hearts can still dance. (And, I miss Christy too.)
ReplyDeleteThanks for slicing,
Ruth
I hope that your writing has helped to get you over your self pity. I think we all like to wallow around in that pit. Your last few lines gave me a glimmer in what you have to look forward to this summer. You're a great teacher and have touched the lives of many children!
ReplyDeleteWe do the best we can. When it's hard, you dig in. Don't let the voice of self-doubt shout in your head. Finish those report cards then step back and enjoy summer.
ReplyDeleteWe all have those days/weeks/months/years. Thank you for spurring Christy to write again.
We all have moments like this but so glad you are on your way to getting on and over it. Summer, summer, summer I hear its happy music, too. Someone who expresses herself as eloquently as you do is far from a failure!
ReplyDeleteThere is a lot to look forward to. I hope summer is a time of rejuvenation for you, Terje.
ReplyDeleteThe thought of summer keeps me moving today. "Three more week" is also on my mind.....
ReplyDeleteI know from previous posts that it's been one hurdle after another, Terje, yet you do "my" heart good when sneaking out from all that pity are the 7 dwarves and 3 pigs. I had to laugh! I think we're all a little weary & more than ready to call it a year that's behind us! And, I wonder about Christy too-I hope she is reading this! Thank you for that reminder, too!
ReplyDeleteGift yourself with grace, my friend. Hard years will come and go, but can we really label "success" or "failure" based on one year? I went to a retirement celebration tonight. I say, the label can come along in the end, and I don't think that any teacher that has a heart will actually "earn" a "failure" label. It's hard work, and it's deep work, and it's good work, and I enjoy reading about your journey.
ReplyDeleteI can really relate to this post. I had a crummy, crummy year. I'm washing it off me and skipping into summer.
ReplyDeleteThe line about the 3 pigs and 7 dwarfs made me LOL!
That's what I call flipping it:
ReplyDeletebummer, bummer, summer, SUMMER!
tears with beer - no, cheers with beer
got some others you can think of?
I am now a day and a half away from my heart dancing merrily to the beat of summertime. Thank you for helping me write my way into it. Never doubt what an inspiration you are.
ReplyDelete